


Along This Rocky Road We Travel, Together

by lissaann



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Graphic Rape, M/M, PTSD, brief mention of Sandy McCoy, community: kink bigbang, prompt: healing sex, prompt: hurt/comfort, prompt: rape, prompt: rape recovery, suicide attempt. This fic is a little dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-08
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-03 08:33:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12744762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lissaann/pseuds/lissaann
Summary: Jared goes out to the store one night and is brutally raped and beaten. Throughout his recovery, Jensen's there, every step of the way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first big bang. The story had been sitting around on my laptop FOREVER and I finally decided to finish it. I think it's a little rushed at the end, but my muse stopped cooperating with me. I love me some hurt!Jared and protective!gentle!Jensen, though.

My artist flaked on me, so I don't have any art. :(

**Beta:** The fantastic [](https://agent-jl36.livejournal.com/profile)[](https://agent-jl36.livejournal.com/)**agent_jl36** helped hold my hand and tamed my commas and tenses! She was absolutely fantastic, and this story wouldn't be the way it is without her help.

They were home for the weekend and it was a simple trip to the store, ten blocks down.

"I'm gonna run to the store, Smeckles," Jared said. "We're out of dark chocolate and I know how you are about that. Plus I thought maybe we could make breakfast for Mike and Tom tomorrow morning."

"Always thinking of me." Jensen kissed Jared. "Sounds like a plan. I'll call them while you're gone and let them know."

"Sounds good, baby. I'll be back in a little bit." One more kiss, then a pat on the head to each dog, and he headed out of the house.

It was a cool night for LA, perfect night for walking. He hummed to himself, making a mental list of what they needed. Dark chocolate, of course. Some gummy worms for himself, then waffle mix and syrup – he couldn’t remember if they had any or not, and really, what are waffles without syrup? - for tomorrow morning as well as sausage and bacon. He entered the store and quickly gathered what he had come for. He paid for the items and headed back home.

He had gotten about three blocks when he heard someone behind him calling his name. No one in the neighborhood really knew him and fans didn't frequent the area, although it was not unheard of. He turned around to see who was behind him. Before he could react, something hard hit the side of his head and the next thing he knew was darkness.

Jared awoke face down, on the ground, to the feeling of his pants and underwear being pulled down. He tried to push himself up away from the hands on his body, but in his confused state, he couldn't get any kind of leverage.

"Oh, so you're awake," his attacker whispered. "Good. I was hoping that you'd wake up for a little bit of this. I know who you are, Jared. No, not just what everyone else knows. I know you, I've followed you. I know who you live with. I know when you take your dogs for a run. I know your grocery store, I know your dry cleaners, I know your drugstore. I've been watching you for a while now, and you haven’t even noticed." With a wolfish grin, he finished pulling Jared's clothes off. "And I know that you'll like this, too."

Jared tried to scream, only to have hands wrapped around his throat. Just as he was about to black out again, and with almost no warning, Jared felt unspeakable pain as the stranger took his hands away from his throat and entered him without preparation, squeezing tightly at Jared's hips. Jared could not hold his scream back as he felt like he was being split in two. He tried to beg him to stop, to let him go, but Jared was ignored, as the man thrust into him. The stranger pulled Jared's hips up, raising his ass up in the air. He found Jared semi-hard and groaned. Jared choked back his cries as he realized that he was reacting to what was happening.

"Oh, Jared," he moaned. "I knew you'd be getting off on this." He fisted Jared's cock as he continued to slam into him. Tears streamed down Jared's face and he continued to beg the man to stop. With a pained whimper Jared came, which led to his attacker coming inside him. He let go of Jared and his body fell to the ground. The man stood and Jared heard him zip his pants. He kicked Jared's body more times than Jared could count, grunts falling out of Jared's mouth, then left. Jared knew his world was fading from his view. "Jensen," escaped his lips before unconsciousness took him.

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Jensen looked at the clock in the living room again. _An hour,_ Jensen thought. _He's been gone an hour. Where could he be?_. Bouncing with extra energy, Jensen decided to call Jared's cell… _again_. Still no answer. He couldn't sit still any longer. He grabbed his jacket and raced out of the house. He walked quickly down the street, following the route Jared would have taken, calling out Jared's name. He called Jared's cell again, thinking that maybe he'd just put his cell in his pocket and hadn't heard it.

Jensen had called his cell three more times before he heard what he knew Jared had picked for his ring tone, "Crazy Love". He looked around the area but didn’t see Jared anywhere. He followed the music behind some shrubs, where he discovered Jared, just as his attacker had left him – face down, pants and boxers still down around his knees and his shirt pulled up to his armpits. Jensen knelt down and softly touched Jared's face, wincing at the bruises and blood there. He put his fingers to Jared's neck to check for a pulse then shook Jared's shoulder softly, afraid of injuring him more. "Jare? Babe? Can you hear me?" Silence filled the air. Shakily, Jensen dialed 911. "Hang in there, Jare," he whispered. "Help's gonna be here real soon." Although not wanting to leave Jared, Jensen took his jacket to cover him then stood and watched for the ambulance, praying it would be there in an instant.

He could hear the sirens in the distance, but they didn't seem to be coming fast enough. He wanted to be down next to Jared, making sure he was still breathing, that his heart was still beating, but was afraid the EMTs wouldn't be able to find him if he wasn't standing up. Finally, help arrived. Two EMTs began to barrage Jensen with questions, Jensen answering them as best he could but letting them know that he wasn't here during the attack. They also asked standard questions – did Jared have any medical conditions, was he on any medication, any surgeries, and who was he in relation to Jared?

Jensen told them that they were roommates and each other's emergency contacts. While they had been talking, Jared had been gently rolled over onto his back, lifted onto a backboard and had a cervical collar in place, making him ready for transport. Jensen begged to be able to ride with Jared, explaining that his car was back home. With a little hesitation, they agreed to let him ride, but told him that he would need to stay back.

They worked quickly and efficiently around Jared, doing the best they could to staunch the bleeding from multiple locations. Jensen worked hard to keep his emotions in check as the ambulance sped its way to the hospital.

When they arrived at the emergency department, Jensen jumped out of the ambulance and waited for them to take Jared out. The EMTs jogged through the automatic doors, rolling the stretcher through and shouting out commands and comments that barely sounded like English to Jensen. He was able to slide into the ED next to the crew and walked into the trauma room where Jared had been placed. Jensen stood in the corner, hoping not to be noticed and wishing that he'd hear something that he would understand about Jared's condition.

A nurse suddenly stood right in front of him. "I'm sorry, sir, you can't be in here."

"He's my partner."

"I'm sorry, but we can't have you back here. We need to work."

"Please. Please? I'll just stay here in the corner, nowhere near where you are. Just please let me stay."

"I'm sorry. We need you to go to the waiting room and fill out his paperwork. We'll let you know what's going on as soon as we can." She led him out to the waiting room.

Jensen watched the nurse walk back through the emergency room doors. He held himself together long enough to fill out all of Jared's paperwork and show that he was Jared's medical proxy, meaning he could make decisions if needed about Jared's treatment. Jared and Jensen had become each other's proxies during the second season. It just made sense, that since they were together all the time that if something should happen, the other could make a decision in case their parents weren't available.

Over an hour had passed. Jensen didn't know if it was better if they came out right away or if they stay in there longer. He wanted to call Jared's parents but didn't want to say he didn't have any information yet. No, that call was better put off until he was able to see Jared. Jensen began to zone out, trying to occupy his mind until he could hear something.

"Code blue, trauma 1, code blue, trauma 1. Respiratory to trauma 1 stat.."

Jensen ran up to the desk. "Please, I need to get back there! I need to know what's going on! That's my partner in there!" he shouted.

"Mr. Ackles, we need you to stay here. The staff are working hard right now and you need to stay here."

"Could you go at least and see what's happening? See if he's okay?"

"Give me a few minutes and I'll go check."

Jensen began to pace furiously. He tried to hold the tears back, tried so hard, but it was next to impossible. His mind was running a million miles per hour. _The whole reason he had gone out was for me,_ he thought. _Now Jared's lying in another room, raped and dying. All for some chocolate. I'll never forgive myself. If only he hadn't gone. If only I'd gone with him. If only we'd waited until tomorrow. If only I had gone to look for him sooner. If only… If only…_

A police officer moved into the path he was pacing. "Mr. Ackles?"

Jensen looked up, face tear-streaked. "Yes?"

"I'm Officer Mike Zukowski. I'm going to be the lead investigator on Mr. Padalecki's case."

"Oh. Okay. Right. You're here to…"

"Find out what happened tonight. Can you tell me?"

"Um…Jared left the house around 7, went to the grocery store. About an hour later he wasn't back, so I went out to look for him. I found him behind some bushes, pants down. I called 911 and came in with the ambulance. I'm waiting to hear from the doctor, but he's not doing well. They just paged a code blue for his room." Jensen sat heavily. "And I'm not in there with him," he whispered.

Mike put his hand on Jensen's shoulder. "Anything else you know about tonight?"

Jensen shook his head.

"Okay. Call us if you think of anything and let us know when Mr. Padalecki is well enough to talk to him." He handed Jensen a business card. "Take care."

Jensen had barely nodded when a doctor came out of the doors. "Mr. … Ackles?" He jumped up.

The doctor extended his hand. "Hi, I'm Dr. Wipfler. I'm the doctor on Mr. Padalecki's case."

"Please, please tell me how he is. Please tell me he's still alive."

"He is. He's gravely injured, but he is alive. We're about to send him to surgery to work on his injuries. I understand you're his medical proxy?" Jensen nodded. "So you give us permission to go ahead and operate?"

"Yes, anything he needs. Do whatever you need to keep him alive."

"Okay." Dr. Wipfler made a note. "Mr. Padalecki has numerous injuries. He has a skull fracture, broken ribs and a collapsed lung. There's also evidence that he's been raped, causing internal bleeding. The rapist didn't use a condom so we're starting him on IV antibiotics once he's settled in after surgery. We're also running an HIV test, which is routine in these cases. He's on a ventilator right now and will be for a while to help his lung heal. We've got him as stabilized as we can. It's going to be a long night for him. If he makes it through the surgery…"

"Wait. _If?_ What do you mean, _if_?" Jensen interrupted.

"Mr. Padalecki's body has undergone a great deal. That code blue you heard was for him. We almost lost him twice, but he's hanging on. If he wasn't in as good a shape as he's in, we wouldn't have even gotten this far. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. He's very critical. I wish I had better news."

"So, where's the surgery waiting room?"

"Mr. Ackles, I seriously recommend you go home and get some rest. Most likely, he'll be in surgery for the rest of the night and most of tomorrow morning in recovery, then to ICU."

"No. I'm not going home. I can't leave until I know he's stable."

"I'll see what I can do to find someone to bring you up there. Just so we're clear, he's going to be in there for hours."

"I understand."

Dr. Wipfler extended his hand again. "Best of luck to you both."

Jensen sat back down, said a prayer then picked up the phone to make one of the most difficult phone calls he had ever had to make. He was able to hold himself together while he told Sherry what was going on. They were going to find the first flight up and Jensen assured them that Clif would be there to pick them up at the airport.

Another hour later, a woman came out to him. "Hi, my name's Becky. I'm going to bring you up to the surgical waiting room. Chances are very good that you won't be told anything while he's in there, probably not till he gets to ICU. Are you sure you want to wait there?"

"Where else would I be able to wait? I told the doctor…whatever his name was…that I'm not leaving until I know at the very least that he's stable."

"You could just go up to the ICU waiting room. I'll explain to the nurses what you're there for."

Jensen shrugged. "One waiting place is as good as another."

"It's a little more comfortable in the ICU waiting room."

"Okay."

She led him down a maze of hallways to the elevators. They went up to the eighth floor and she showed him to the waiting room. It was sparse, but Jensen couldn't care less if there was nothing in the room. He just needed to wait for Jared. He would always wait for Jared.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jensen fell asleep on the uncomfortable couch while waiting. He finally stretched awake at 11am to still find no word about Jared. He got up, wandered around the room a little and tried to wake himself fully.

About a half an hour later, a nurse who introduced herself as Leeann came into the waiting room. "You're waiting for Mr. Padalecki, right?"

"For Jared, yeah. I'm Jensen."

"Of course. You can go ahead in and see him. He's still unconscious and he's hooked up to a few machines so don't worry. We're keeping a good eye on him to make sure everything's going as well as can be." She pressed a couple of buttons on the door and let Jensen go through.

"Oh. Jared's parents are due up her sometime today…can you make sure that they're let in? Even if it means me leaving."

"Sure. I'll let you know when they get here; you'll probably want to bring them up to date on what's happening."

"Thanks," Jensen replied as she opened the door to one of the rooms. "What's happening?"

"He's as stable as he can be. There's some pressure in his skull, which is why he's not waking up right away. It may take a couple of days – his body needs to heal itself. The rest of the surgery was successful. They were able to stop the internal bleeding and re-inflated his lung. He'll stay on the ventilator until he wakes up."

Jensen nodded in response. "Thank you." He moved to the door and stood in the doorway for a few moments, taking in the sight in front of him. Jared lay in the bed, motionless. He had IV's in both hands and wires traveling from just about every part of his body into the machines at his bedside. The ventilator mouthpiece was taped to the side of his face, forcing air into his lungs. There was soft beeping which counted out Jared's heartbeats. He barely fit on the bed and the top of his head was bandaged where they had opened up his skull. "Oh, god, Jared. Jared." He pulled the chair that was in the room up to Jared's bed and sat down. He grabbed Jared's hand, careful of the IVs, and leaned his forehead down on Jared's shoulder. "Please, Jared. Please wake up for me. I'm so sorry baby. Please come back to me. I swear, you'll never have to go to the grocery store again. Ever. Just please wake up." Jensen's tears overwhelmed him and he sobbed. "Please, baby," he whispered, desperately. Only time would tell if his pleas were heard.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jensen had dozed off, the adrenaline that he had been running on ebbing away. He startled awake when he heard voices behind him.

Sherry, Gerry, Jeff and Megan were behind him.

"Oh, hey," he said. "Sorry, fell asleep for a little while. Everything go okay in getting here?"

"No problems. Clif was waiting for us when we landed at the airport. He brought us to the hotel where we dropped our stuff off and then brought us right here." Sherry answered. They moved further into the room. "How's he doing?"

"Have you talked to the nurse?" Sherry nodded. "Then you know about as much as I do. Nothing's changed."

Sherry moved around the other side of the bed and took Jared's hand.

"Oh, um, let me give you some time with him. I know you must be worried and exhausted."

"There's no need for you to run off, Jensen," Gerry said. "You're as much family as we are."

"No, it's okay. I should really go back home, check on the dogs and maybe sleep a little. If I can." He ran his hand over his face. "Call me if anything changes?"

"Of course. Be safe."

"I will. See you guys in a little while." Jensen moved over and gave Sherry and Megan a hug and Jeff a handshake before leaving.

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One day turned into two days, which then turned into a week. Jensen and Jared's parents set up somewhat of a schedule – Sherry and Jerry would be with him during the day, Megan and Jeff would spend a few hours with him in the afternoon and Jensen would take the nights. Jensen couldn't stand the thought of Jared being there in the hospital without someone in there with him.

After ten days, Gerry needed to leave to go back to work and Megan needed to leave to go back to school. Neither of them wanted to leave, they all wanted to wait for Jared to wake up, but it just wasn't possible with no end in sight. Jeff was the next to leave, unable to stay away from his practice.

The doctor continued to tell them that he was healing from all of his injuries and wasn't sure why he was still in a coma. They took him down to have a CT scan on a regular basis to see if there was something they were missing, but everything looked clear. "There's nothing else we can do. We just have to wait until he wakes up. We still don't know what damage had been done by the skull when it fractured. It's a wait and see game." So, they waited.

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Jared had been unconscious and on the ventilator for three weeks now. Jensen sat by his side, keeping his vigil, leaving only to give Jared's family time to be with him. While they were spending their time with him, Jensen would go home, shower, eat, take care of himself a little, which was something he couldn't do when he was focused on Jared.

Jensen sat holding his hand and talking to him, hoping that his pleading might bring him out of the coma. "Jarebear, c'mon. Don't do this to me, babe. We all need you, Jare. Come back to us." He brushed Jared's bangs off his forehead gently. "Love you so much, babe. I've missed you. Missed your smile, missed your laugh, missed your eyes." He began to tear up. _No,_ he insisted to himself. _I'm not going to break down again. Need to be strong for everyone else._ "Jare, please," he begged softly. "Need to tell you, need to let you know. Dammit, can't even breathe without you. Don't know how to _be_ without you."

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead down onto Jared's shoulder, taking in Jared's scent. Despite all the sterilization around them, Jared still smelled like Jared, a smell that was comforting to Jensen, as much comfort as he could get with Jared still unconscious.

Nurses entered and left on a regular schedule, injecting medications into his IV and taking his vital signs, including checking his pupils. All of them would give Jensen a small smile, impressed with his devotion.

Another week had passed with no change. It was like Jared was in stasis.

Jensen sat in the chair that had been permanently placed at the side of Jared's bed. He closed his eyes and dozed off. Jensen's dream replayed the horror of finding Jared lying on the ground, bleeding.

Jared slowly turned his head and opened his eyes when he heard the whimpering at his side. He tightened his hand around Jensen's. Jensen was startled at the touch and woke up. He looked around and his eyes landed on Jared's. Jared's eyes. Jared's _open_ eyes. Jared's _open, panicked_ eyes. "Easy, Jare," he breathed. "You're on a ventilator." He ran his thumb over the back of Jared's hand. "Just relax. I'm gonna call the doctor."

Jared looked around trying not to choke on the tube as Jensen pressed the call button to alert the nurses that Jared was awake.

A couple of nurses ran in. "Okay, Jared. Just take it easy. We're going to take the ventilator tube out of your throat. What I need you to do, when I tell you, is to take a deep breath and then blow out as hard as you can. Are you ready?"

Jared nodded.

"Okay, Jared. Deep breath in." Jared complied. "And now…blow out." Jared followed the directions and shortly, the tube was out of his mouth. He began to cough, his throat raw.

"Hey," Jensen said, tears in his eyes.

"Hey," he answered hoarsely, continuing to cough after his greeting because his mouth was so dry. Jensen reached over to the bedside table and gave Jared a few ice chips. Jared smiled. "Thanks," he said softly.

Jensen moved over to sit on the bed. His arms wrapped around Jared as tightly as they could as Jensen just whispered, "I love you" into Jared's neck over and over again.

Jared hugged Jensen back for a few minutes, then started to pull away a little.

"What's wrong, Jared?"

"Nothing, just…not used to being hugged like that. Not by you."

Jensen sat back and looked at Jared without a word.

Jared took in his surroundings. "What happened? Why am I here?"

Jensen grabbed Jared's hand again. "What do you remember?"

Jared shook his head. "Not much. We were hanging out after shooting…and now I'm here."

Jensen's hand went up to Jared's cheek and stroked it softly. "You were attacked, babe."

Jared looked at him strangely. "What?"

"You went to the grocery store to get some candy and breakfast stuff for us and on the way home you were jumped."

Jared gave him another strange look. "Is Sandy okay?"

"Yeah, Sandy's fine. Why?"

"You're starting to freak me out. Where is she?"

"What do you mean where's Sandy? Why would she be here?"

"Dude…my fiancée? Remember? I asked her to marry me?"

"Jared, what are you talking about?"

"Where is she?"

"She's in LA."

"Why is she there? She should be here."

Suddenly, it hit Jensen. "What month and year are we in, Jared?"

"March 2008. We just went back to work a few weeks ago after the writers' strike."

Jensen's mouth fell open.

"What?" Jared looked at him like Jensen had two heads.

"Uh, nothing. Nothing." He paused and looked around the room. "Let's get the doctor, so he can come and take a look at you."

"Call Sandy, okay? Have her come up here."

Jensen looked away. "Sure. I will."

Jared saw Jensen look away. "What is it?"

"Nothing. Let me go get your family and the doctor." Without waiting for Jared to answer, he left the room.

Sherry Padalecki sat outside. "Did something happen, Jensen?" she asked with hope.

"Sherry, he thinks he's still engaged to Sandy. He thinks it is March. He was asking for her."

Sherry gave Jensen a hug. "I'm sure it's temporary, hon."

Jensen nodded. "Sure. Sure." He paused. "I'm going to go get the doctor so he can take a look at him. I don't…," he sighed. "I don't want to be in there right now."

"I know," Sherry told him. "What are you going to do?"

"Go home for a while. I dunno. I just…I need some time."

"Of course, Jensen. We'll tell you what the doctor said when you come back." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry, Jensen. He'll remember."

He hugged her. "God, I hope so."

 

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>  
Jensen sat down heavily at the kitchen table. _What the fuck?_ he thought. _He doesn't remember. Doesn't remember breaking up with Sandy, doesn't remember us falling in love._ He shuddered. _What if he never remembers? What then?_ Suddenly, Jensen felt like he couldn't breathe. _No. He'll remember. He_ HAS _to._

Jensen trudged upstairs to their bedroom where he stripped and went into the bathroom to take a shower. He closed his eyes and let the spray pound down on him. _This was a mistake. He's everywhere here._ He broke down in the shower, sobbing, the water mixing with his tears. He had never hurt so much before in his life. He dropped to his knees against the hard tile of the shower floor and wept as the water fell down around him and grew cold.

He eventually pulled himself up and got out of the shower.

Once he was dressed, he went down to the kitchen. He wasn’t really hungry, but knew he should eat something – Sherry would be all over him if he didn’t. He looked without any interest at the refrigerator, and numbly pulled out some pasta from earlier in the week. He microwaved it and sat down at the table.

Jensen held the phone in his hand as he ate. He really didn’t want to call Sandy. It’s not that he hated her or anything, he held no ill will against her, but he wasn’t sure that went both ways. And to tell her that Jared thought they were still engaged? Did he have the right to mess with her mind like that, when she was trying to heal still? On the other hand…what about Jared and his memory? What was best for him? He decided he’d wait until he’d heard what the doctor had to say before he did anything.

The house seemed so lonely and empty. Jensen had boarded the dogs just as soon as he was able to. It was the best thing to do for them, but he missed them running up to him looking for affection. Just like their dad, all floppy haired and excited and full of life. He wondered when, if he’d ever get that back.

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The doctor came into Jared's room since he had regained consciousness. "How are we doing, Jared?"

"Um, okay, I guess. I'm a little confused. I don't remember what happened. And I’m guessing that I won't remember stuff for a little while."

"That's not unusual with an injury like yours. It'll take a little while, but everything should come back to you. There's no guarantee, but it's a good bet. You were unconscious for a long time. It sometimes takes the brain a while to catch up. Bet you'll be back up to speed in no time. I'll check in with you later."

"Thank you, Doctor."

Sherry followed the doctor outside Jared's room. "So, he's doing okay then?" she asked.

"Yes. It looks good that we might be able to discharge him tomorrow."

"Oh, thank god." She paused. "What should we do if he asks about times he doesn't remember? Should we tell him or should we wait until it comes back to him?"

"There's a lot of controversy about what should be done. Experts suggest both. It's a tough call, but I would suggest if he gets really adamant about it that you tell him. It could be worse in the long run if he's trying that hard to remember things."

Sherry nodded then went back inside where she took Jared's hand. They talked until Jensen arrived back at the hospital.

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It took about three hours before Jensen appeared back in Jared's room. "Hey," Jensen said, holding back from any affection since Jared didn’t remember.

"Hey."

"So what did the doctor have to say?"

"Jared may be able to be discharged as soon as tomorrow. He's still got some blanks in his memory, but the doctor seems to think that it should come back given time."

Jensen sat on the bed. "Hey, great. It'll be fantastic to have you home. I'll get the dogs out of the kennels tomorrow morning."

"How are they? They're okay, right?"

"Yes, Jare, they're fine. As always, they've been treated like it was Club Med. I'm sure they're dying to come home."

"Well," Sherry started, "I think I'm going to head back to the hotel, get all my things together."

"You're not leaving right away, are you mom?"

"No, I'll stay for a couple more days, but I just need to do some laundry and such."

"Why don't you check out of the hotel and come stay with us? Jensen, do you mind?"

"Of course not! We'd be happy to have you stay with us now that Jared'll be home."

"Okay, well, then let me go get my stuff and I'll meet you back at the house a little later, Jensen."

"Good. I'll call when I'm leaving."

Sherry kissed Jared on the forehead. "I'll see you again tomorrow."

"Love you, mom!"

"Love you too honey." With that she left the room.

Once they were alone, Jensen decided to take the lead on the question of Sandy. "Jare, the reason Sandy's not here…"

"The coma was too much for her. She needed to have something else to concentrate on, right?"

Jensen shook his head. He wished there were an easier way to tell Jared. "No. The reason she's not here is because you guys broke up."

"You're kidding. I just asked her to marry me and she said yes. You don't just break up after something like that!"

"It's true, Jare. We've got tape of you telling all the fans at a con you were at."

"Why did I break up with her?" Jared asked. Jensen refused to meet his eyes. After a couple of moments of silence, Jared demanded, "What is it you're not telling me?"

Jensen shuffled his way over and sat on the edge of the bed. He took one of Jared's hands in his own. Raising his head, he looked deep into Jared's eyes. "You broke up with her for me," he answered quietly.

"Why would I do that? Jen, why would you ask me to do that?" he answered in a scared voice.

"Jare, let's not talk about this right now. You need to get some rest. We can talk about this later."

"No!" Jared shouted. "Why would you ask me to do that?"

Jensen ran his hand over his face, through his hair and sighed. There was no way he was getting out of this. "I didn't ask you, Jared. You broke up with her on your own."

"Why? There's still something you're not telling me."

"About a year ago, I told you that I love you. I couldn't keep it inside anymore. You said you needed time to think. Two weeks later, you came back, told me you broke up with Sandy and told me you love me, too. The whole crew – Eric, Kim, Sera, everyone on set – knows we're together. They all wondered what took us so long. It's June 2009 right now."

Jared looked at Jensen with a shocked expression. "What?"

"Your amnesia. You're missing over a year."

"Will I ever get that back?"

"I don't know. We just have to go with what the doctor said. I understand if it's too hard for you right now, us being together, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes until you feel comfortable again."

"You mean that?"

"Jared, I love you more than anyone. Whatever you need." Jensen reached down for Jared's hand. "Is this okay?"

Jared nodded as Jensen threaded his fingers with Jared's.

"Then let's start here."

They channel surfed for a while, trying to find something they could both agree on. Finally, they found the show Fringe and sat back to watch. They weren't even through one episode before Jared was out like a light. Jensen just sat there and watched him sleep, hoping it wouldn't take too long before his memory came back, because he couldn’t stand being away from his lover that much longer.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jared was scheduled to be discharged. He waited impatiently for the doctor to come and complete one final exam before he was released. "Jen, do you really think they'll let me out today?"

"Don't see why not, Jare. Except for your memory, you're all healed up."

"Yeah, I know. This memory thing is bothering me, though."

"I can imagine. It'll come back. You can't push it."

"Easy for you to say."

_Not really,_ Jensen thought. He decided not to say anything, though, not wanting to place any more pressure on Jared.

The doctor came into the room at that moment. "Let's take a look, Jared." He gave Jared a quick once over. "Things look good – let's spring you from this place."

"Thank you, Doc."

"Give us about 15 minutes."

"Got it."

Jared started to bounce on the bed, energized to be going home. "Mom's at home, right?"

"Yep," Jensen answered. "I let her sleep in this morning since you're coming home and will see her there."

"That was nice of you. I'm sure she'll have breakfast for us when we get there."

"Tell ya what. How about I go down and get the car and I'll wait for you outside."

"Sounds good. See you soon."

A few minutes later, a nurse came into Jared's room with discharge instructions and a wheelchair. Jared tried to refuse the wheelchair, but was told that it was required because of insurance reasons. Jared sighed somewhat playfully as he sat down and was wheeled towards the exit.

As promised, Jensen was sitting outside in the SUV. "Let's get me home," Jared said.

Traffic was light so it was a quick trip from the hospital. Jared walked in the front door and was almost immediately attacked by Harley and Sadie. He got down on his knees and gave them both big hugs. They danced around him excitedly until Jensen came into the room. "C'mon, guys. Leave Jared alone for a minute."

"Hey, they missed their daddy. It's okay." Jared got up and moved over to the couch, where the dogs followed.

Jared's mom came out of the kitchen after hearing the door open. "Baby," she said, coming over to give him a hug.

"I'm fine, Mom. Doctor gave me a clean bill of health."

"And the amnesia?"

"It's just going to take time, I guess."

"Well, now it's time for breakfast, c'mon."

Sherry led the boys to the dining room where she had pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon and home fries waiting for them. "Dig in!" Jared loaded his plate up, in Jared fashion and sat down. Jensen joined him and Sherry at the table. "I'm so glad you're home, Jared."

"Me too. That hospital was really beginning to get on my nerves."

Jensen smiled when Jared said that; both he and Sherry thought that for a long time while they waited for Jared to wake up.

They finished breakfast, after Jared went back for seconds, which was a sure sign that Jared was feeling more like himself and moved back into the living room.'

"So how long are you staying, Mom?"

"Not much longer, honey. I do need to get home and take care of your father," she smiled. "He's not used to having me away for so long."

"Heh. I'm sure Dad's fine."

"I thought I'd probably leave tomorrow, get out of your way so that you can get back to a regular rhythm here."

"What time?"

"About noon."

"No problem, Jensen and I will get you there."

"I’m sure you will."

They spent the rest of the day sedately, watching TV, and after getting bored with that, Jared and Jensen played some Halo, trying to blow each other up. Sherry went into the kitchen to make supper while they played. They ate and popped in a movie. Once the movie was over, Sherry excused herself to go to bed.

"Yeah, I'm kinda tired, too," Jared said.

This left Jensen with a dilemma. Did he try and sleep in the same bed as Jared, despite the fact that he couldn't remember being in love with him or should he just bite the bullet and sleep on the couch. "Okay. I guess…I guess I'll grab a blanket and sleep down here."

"Don't you have your own room?"

Jensen tried to figure out the best way to word his answer, when the easiest way to answer presented itself. "Your mom's in my room."

"I'm sure Mom would have been fine on the couch."

"That's rude, Jared. I couldn't do that."

"Okay. Well," Jared hesitated, at first moving towards Jensen, then backing away a little bit. "I guess I'll see you in the morning."

Jensen stepped forward and pulled Jared into a hug. "So glad you're home, babe." Jensen hadn't meant for the endearment to slip out, but there was nothing he could do.

"Night, Jensen." Jared climbed the stairs up out of sight.

Jensen let out a long breath, grabbed a blanket and pillow from the linen closet and lay down to try and get some rest on the couch. He had trouble falling asleep while Jared wasn't near him, but finally was so exhausted he just collapsed.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Sherry woke up first and tried very hard to be quiet and not wake Jensen, which unfortunately didn't work. The first thing she did was make coffee, which Jensen pledged his everlasting love to her for.

They were at the table, talking quietly about little things, unimportant things until Jared rumbled down the stairs a half hour later. "Good morning," he greeted. He gave his mom a kiss on the cheek, then went and grabbed a cup of coffee. "So what's up?"

Jensen shook his head, smiling. "Nothing, really. Just making conversation with your mom, waiting for you to get your ass out of bed."

"Hey! You're not usually up this early," he joked back.

"So what should we do this morning before we bring Mom to the airport?"

"Oh, let's not do anything special, Jared. I just want to spend the morning with you. How about a nice big breakfast?"

"Don't suppose you'd let me cook it and leave you to relax?"

"Are you kidding? Can you even cook?"

"Jen! Help me out here! I'm able to cook. I do a pretty good job of it."

"Well, he hasn’t killed me yet," Jensen deadpanned.

"That's reassuring," Sherry replied. She moved around the kitchen gathering ingredients. "What shall we have?"

"Pancakes!" Jared answered excitedly.

Jensen just laughed.

"Pancakes it is, then." She started making the batter, playfully bantering with both boys.

The morning passed quickly and with lots of laughter. Sherry couldn't be happier to see her son back to his normal, lively self.

Around 11, they loaded Sherry's things into the SUV and head over to the airport. At the gate, Sherry gave Jared a big hug. "Don't you be a stranger, baby. I want you home for the holidays."

"Yes, Mom," Jared replied. He gave her a big hug back and watched as she headed to the gate.

"It was nice to have her here, if it wasn't the greatest reason for her to come up here," Jared noted as they headed out of the airport.

"It was. I haven't seen her in ages. We should go down for Christmas. We can spend Christmas Eve in San Antonio and Christmas day in Dallas. Or reverse the two. Whichever works better."

The smile on Jared's face fell a little. "Um, Jen…"

"What?" Jensen asked, truly confused.

"We're not together. Why would I go to Dallas?"

That hit Jensen like a punch to the stomach. Jared was acting so normal, he had forgotten that Jared didn't have his memory back. "Well, just because we're not together doesn't mean we can't visit each other! My parents will be disappointed if you don't come over, they've been looking forward to it all year. Mac'll be spastic."

"Really?"

"Especially now that you're okay. They were worried too, you know."

"Tell your family I said thanks."

"Tell them yourself this Christmas."

Jared smiled and shook his head. "Deal."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The next few days confused Jensen. Jared suddenly became quieter, a little more withdrawn. Each day, he would try to ask Jared what was wrong and Jared would simply tell him he was tired or he had a headache. Jensen made sure that Jared had his pain medication for his headaches and encouraged him to sleep when he could.

In the meantime, Jensen moved into the spare bedroom. It hurt to be in there when he knew he should have been with Jared, but Jared was pretty freaked out to begin with and was just starting to come to terms with his memory loss so Jensen didn't want to push. Well, that's not true, he told himself, he DID want to push, push hard enough for Jared to realize what they had together and that it was right. But he was more afraid it would give Jared a setback, so he stayed put in the guestroom, and if he prayed quietly each night for Jared to come into his room and tell him his spot was next to him on the bed, no one was there to notice the tears.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

These days, Jensen was most likely awake before Jared, mostly because he couldn't handle sleeping in the guest room by himself. He started coffee and sat down at the table, grabbing the newspaper from the front porch. When the coffee was ready, he poured a cup and began to read.

Jared came downstairs quietly, just in case Jensen was still sleeping, but once he smelled the coffee he knew that he was up. He snuck up behind Jensen and leaned down, kissing Jensen on the neck.

Jensen's head flew up in surprise. "Jared?"

"Hey, babe."

"You…you remember?"

"Yeah," Jared said as he sat down next to Jensen. "It's been happening over the past couple of days, I just didn't want to say anything until I was sure."

"Really?"

He kissed Jensen and said, "Yes, really. I love you."

"How much do you remember?"

"Nothing about the attack, if that's what you were worried about."

"Nothing at all?"

Jared shook his head.

"The police wanted to talk to you, just with everything that's been going on, I kinda forgot. They wanted to see if you remembered anything."

"We should probably give them a call, then, to let them know." Jared grabbed a cup of coffee. "Let me do it right now." Jared picked up the phone and dialed the police station, looking at the business card Jensen had and asking for Officer Zukowski. They spoke on the phone for a bit. Jensen could hear Jared trying to remember, but it was no use. Jared hung up the phone with a frown on his face. "I know it's a good thing for me that I don't remember, but I wish I could help the police out more. They say they've got a suspect – matched the DNA to the kit they did for me at the hospital – and one other person who was raped. I just wish I knew more."

"Don't push, Jared. If you're meant to remember it, you will. Although personally, I hope you never remember. I don't ever want you reliving all that."

"I know, Jen. I know."

Jensen brought his hand up to Jared's face and gently stroked his cheek. "Do you know how happy I am right now?"

Jared smiled and nodded. "I think I do."

"Let's go out and do something fun."

"How about taking the kids to the park?"

"Perfect." They rounded up the dogs and their leashes and headed out to the park not far from their house. They spent the afternoon laughing at the dogs, talking about the future and trading sly kisses back and forth.

And then, things fell.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

It had been six months since the attack and Jensen was still worried. Jared had stopped, for the most part, tensing up when Jensen touched him, but he still wasn't sleeping most nights. Jensen had installed the new alarm system, all the bells and whistles they could need. Jared would still jump at any sound, particularly at night. Jensen worked hard to soothe him. It was just recently that Jared felt safe with Jensen holding him. Jared still insisted on wearing at least sweats and t-shirt to bed and refused to change in front of Jensen.

Jensen was trying hard not to get frustrated, but it was difficult. It didn't seem like Jared was getting any better, and he had no idea how to help. He wanted his old Jared back so desperately. He knew that Jared would never be the exact same person, but Jensen missed his carefree, happy outlook. Jared was now withdrawn and silent, always seeming to brood and backing off from anyone who tried to get close. It made work difficult whenever anyone but Jensen needed to work with him.

It was Friday night and Jensen had finally been able to coax Jared to the bedroom. Jensen was exhausted, and was hoping that maybe the tough week had tired Jared as well. Jensen spooned Jared carefully, Jared slowly relaxing into his boyfriend's arms. Jensen closed his eyes and moved as close to Jared as he could. He breathed in Jared's scent, which comforted him like nothing else in the world. Without realizing it, Jensen became hard and was resting on Jared's lower back and just barely in the cleft of his ass, just concentrating on how beautiful Jared really is.

Without any warning at all, Jared bolted up and out of the bed, tripping his way to the bathroom where he slammed the door shut. Jensen called out then realized what had happened. _Fuck,_ he cursed himself. _What a time for my body to betray me!_

He heard Jared retching behind the door, then a loud thump and sobs. Jensen opened the door to find Jared curled up into a tight ball in the corner, hiding his head in his hands. Jensen slowly moved over to him and gently stroked Jared's hair. "Jare, babe…," he paused, not really sure where to go from here. "I'm sorry. I didn't even realize…".

Jared couldn't look Jensen in the eye. "I'm sorry," he whispered roughly. "I'm such a freak."

"No, no Jare, that's not it." He pulled Jared to him. "I understand, and I'm sorry. I didn't…didn't even know…"

"I'm sorry. You must be ready to leave me. Can't even lay next to my boyfriend without throwing up."

"Hey, Jared," he raised Jared's chin to look in his eyes. "It's really okay. I understand. I just need to be careful. It hasn't been a problem before today. I swear I didn't mean to startle you."

Tears dripped from Jared's eyes. "I know. I know that up here," he pointed to his head, "but not my body. My body just thinks…"

"I know. I didn't mean to send you back there. God knows I would never do that to you."

Jared nodded quietly.

"C'mon. Let's go back to bed. We'll lie face to face. I just want to hold you, Jared." Jensen held out his hand and helped Jared up and into a hug. "I love you," Jensen whispered as he led Jared back to the bed.

"I love you too," he answered softly as they situated themselves on the bed. Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen as tightly as he could stand it. Jared's head rested on Jensen's chest and he was lulled to sleep by Jensen's rhythmic heartbeat.

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Three months later, things had only minimally gotten better.

They were hanging out one Friday afternoon at home, on a long weekend from the shoot. Jared was on the couch, watching something on Animal Planet and Jensen had gone to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich.

As Jensen was heading back into the living room, the phone rang. He grabbed it and went back into the kitchen to carry on his conversation. Once he was finished, he came back out to the living room.

"Who was that?"

"Chris. He's in the area, wanted to know if we wanted to do something tonight. I told him we'd take a pass."

"Why?"

"I know you're not up for it. It's okay. We'll see 'em in a couple of weeks. He's only going to be up here like 30 hours, some kind of promo engagement."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's okay. Chris understood."

"Does Chris…know?"

Jensen looked at him in shock. "Of course not. He doesn't need to know."

Jared sat on the couch, not looking at Jensen, his face growing more and more pensive.

"Hey," Jensen said quietly. "What are you thinking about?"

Jared shook his head.

"Jared, please talk to me."

He let out a sigh and continued to look at the floor. "It's okay if you want to…," he paused. "Do stuff. With Chris."

"I told you, Jare. I don't want to tonight."

"No, that's not what I meant. It's okay if you want to _do_ …," he made a hand motion back and forth, "stuff with Chris."

Jensen blinked and looked at Jared. "What? What are you saying?"

Jared's voice dropped a few notches in volume. "I know you guys used to be together, so if you wanted to…"

"Jared, stop right there."

"It's okay. Honest."

"Jared. Look at me." Jared just shook his head. Jensen moved in closer to Jared and gently took Jared's chin in his hand to face Jensen. "Jared," he started, looking deeply into Jared's hazel eyes. "Jared, I would never do that to you."

"I don't mind. I understand."

"Jared, no."

"I know you have…needs. And desires. And I know that I haven't been…wanting to."

Jensen enveloped Jared in his arms and kissed him softly on his temple. "Jared, I want you to listen to me." His hand began to stroke Jared's hair. "Everything… _everything_ that I need and desire is right here. In our house, in our living room, in my arms. I would never betray you like that. "

"You wouldn't be betraying me. You'd be taking care of you. Of what you need."

"Jared, I love you. _You_ are all I need." His hands slowly stroked up and down Jared's back. "Jared, please don't think like that. Please don't think that I don't want to be with you just because you don't want to be physically intimate right now. We'll get through this. We will. I promise. All's I need is you, and to know that you love me."

Jared nodded without looking up at Jensen. "I do love you, Jensen. You're…you're everything to me. And I just want to make sure you're happy and content. That you don't regret anything."

"As long as I have you here with me, I am happy and content. I could never, _never_ regret anything while I have you. Confessing my feelings for you was the best decision I could ever have made, and I've never looked back." He placed gentle kisses on Jared's forehead. "You're everything to me, too, Jared. And I'd do anything for you. Anything at all."

Jared stayed curled up into Jensen, with Jensen just slowly comforting him until sleep overtook them both.


	2. Chapter 2

The next month, it was their anniversary.

Jensen asked Eric and Kim for a couple of days off – they didn't normally do that, even after everything that happened with the attack – and so both men had agreed to give them Thursday and Friday off, in addition to the usual weekend to give them both some downtime.

Saturday night, Jensen made dinner for Jared, as he played out in the backyard with the dogs.

"Come on in, it's ready," Jensen called from the kitchen.

Jensen had made rib eye steaks, grilled perfectly, garlic mashed potatoes and fresh corn on the cob. Jared smiled as he went into the dining room and kissed Jensen as he passed him. Jensen had put candles on the table and put Kane's latest CD in which played softly in the background.

Once they finished he main course, Jared asked about dessert.

Jensen got up and came over to where Jared was sitting. He got down on both knees and looked up into Jared's eyes. In the blink of an eye, Jensen held a small velvet box in his hand, offered out to Jared. "Jared, I love you more than I can tell you. Be mine. Be mine for always. Be mine, body, soul, heart and spirit. Please make me the proudest, happiest man on the face of the earth." In the box was a simple platinum band.

Jared stared at the box then laid his forehead on Jensen's. He was quiet for a long moment as tears began to well up in his eyes. "Jensen…I," a sob escaped from his throat and Jensen put his arms around Jared. "I….I can't. I can't do it."

Jensen blinked back tears of his own. "What do you mean, Jare? Why not?"

Anger welled up in Jared's voice. "I can't be a proper husband to you. I can't give myself over to you in _body_." He shook his head. "I won't put you through that. I won't commit when you can't even make love to me."

Jensen's hand came up to Jared's cheek, running his thumb along Jared's cheekbone. "Jared? Do you really think this is about sex?" Jared didn't answer him. "I want you _in spite_ of that. Making love doesn't mean sex. God, Jared, how could you think that?" Jared shrank back a little. Jensen pulled him back closer. "No, Jared. I won't ever push you. I won't ever ask for anything more than you want to give me. And if I have to wait forever, I will. The sex isn't the important part, it never has been. Don't get me wrong, yes, I want you because you are the most beautiful person I have ever known…"

"Don't say that," Jared interrupted.

"I _will_ say that, because it's the truth. God, Jared, you don't even know how beautiful you are. And there are so many other ways that we can make love. I'm making love to you right now, just like this." Jared began to shake his head again. "Yes, Jare. Yes. Just like this." He took the ring out of the box and held it up. "Please, Jared. Wear my ring. Be mine."

Jared continued to shake his head and tried to push Jensen out of the way. Jensen brought his hands up to Jared's arms to gently hold him in place. "Jared, if you won't do this, would you please do something else for me?"

"I don't know. I don't know if I can do what you want."

"Jare, get some help. Please. For me. I want you to get help. I need that from you."

Jared looked at Jensen and began to slowly nod. "Yeah, ok.. I'll do that for you." Then he pushed Jensen away and headed to the bedroom.

Jensen didn't go after him right away. He sat down heavily on the couch and cried. His whole reason for living didn't even think he was worthy of being loved. Something had to change. Quickly.

He decided to stay in the living room for a while, wanting to give Jared a chance to calm down. He didn't want to press any further. Jared's rejection, even for the reason that Jared felt was valid, hurt him more than he realized it would.

After about an hour and a half, Jensen walked through the bedroom into the bathroom to take his contacts out. Jared was sleeping on his side of the bed and Jensen didn't want to wake him up – sleep was still a rare thing. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and went to head back out to the living room since he wasn't tired yet. Jensen put his hand on Jared's arm closest to the bedside table for a touch of subtle reassurance. Jensen's brow furrowed, though, when he felt something wet on Jared's arm. He turned on the light to find blood all over Jared's arm and their bed and a knife in his other hand, which was resting against his stomach. He grabbed the knife and put it somewhere safe, then tried to wake Jared up, but got no response. As he looked around for the phone, he noticed that the bottle of sleeping pills his doctor had prescribed for him was tipped over and empty. Jensen knew the prescription had just been refilled; he had picked it up himself three days ago. Jensen grabbed his cell from his pocket, unable to find the cordless phone, and called the ambulance. He took a t-shirt and created a tourniquet while waiting and begged Jared to wake up, to no avail. He ran down the stairs to open the door when the EMTs arrived and watched them, again, take Jared's unmoving body to the ambulance.

Jensen didn't stay in the ER this time. He wasn't there when they pumped Jared's stomach, wasn't there when they put 24 stitches in his arm, wasn't there when he was moved up to a private room under a false name to keep the media and fans away. He couldn’t do it again. He was having graphic flashbacks to the last time he was here with Jared, seeing Jared beaten and bloody, being forced out of the room when the monitors began their long, piercing alert, pacing in the hallway to hear that Jared had been stabilized, having to see him with that damn ventilator tube coming out of his mouth.

He gave the admitting clerk Jared's information and then moved to the furthest corner of the waiting room. He knew he should call Jared's parents, but didn't know how they were going to react. He decided to call his mother first.

"Mom?" Jensen's voice broke on the single word.

"Jensen? Baby, what's wrong?"

"It's Jared…he…oh, god, mom." He began to break down.

"What happened?"

"He tried to kill himself. He cut his wrist and he took an overdose. I was right in the other room. I almost let it happen." Jensen paused, trying to hold back a sob. "It's our anniversary today. I wanted to give him a ring. He told me he couldn't take it, because he couldn't be a proper husband."

"Oh, Jensen." She tried to think of how best to comfort him. "Have you called his parents?"

"No, not yet. I don't want to, Mom. They're going to think it's my fault. They're going to think I caused this."

"Of course they won't. You've done nothing but love Jared and do everything you can to take care of him and get him through this. But Jensen, honey, they need to know. You have to call them."

"How could he do it, Mom? How could he just almost take away everything in the world to me?"

"He's not thinking clearly, Jensen. This is a lot to deal with."

"No shit. I wasn't aware of that."

"Baby, he's hurting. Sometimes, you hurt so much that you can't see outside yourself, no matter what. He still loves you."

"He didn't love me enough to tell me that he wanted to die."

"He was probably trying to protect you. At least that's probably how he saw it."

"I almost lost everything, Mom. And I tried not to do anything wrong."

"I know. Jared's got some work he needs to do. He needs to figure out what's important to him. It's not going to be right now, and you need to decide if you're going to stand by him while he looks."

"Of course I am. I'm not going to abandon Jared." Jensen took a deep breath. "I'm not letting him get away from me that easily."

"Call his parents, baby. You owe them that."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Jensen. Keep us updated." Jensen closed his cell. He went to the hospital cafeteria and got a cup of coffee before making one of the most difficult phone calls in his life, even more difficult than when he had to tell the Padaleckis about the attack.

Jensen tried to pull himself together as best he could and dialed Sherry's phone number. It took her three rings to answer. Jensen had almost hung up.

"Hello?"

"Sherry, it's Jensen."

"What's wrong? Where's Jared?"

"Sherry, sit down."

"What is it, Jensen?"

"Jared's in the hospital again."

"What happened? Stop beating around the bush and just tell me!"

Jensen let out a long sigh. "Jared tried to kill himself tonight."

"What?" she screamed into the phone.

"I know, I know. I never thought he'd do it either."

"What happened? Tell me. I want to know."

"It started off innocently, I swear. I made dinner for Jared. After we ate, I…I proposed. He told me he had to say no, he just couldn't marry me. An hour later, I found him on the bed, asleep. He…," a sob tore out of Jensen without him being able to stop it. "He took all his sleeping pills and cut his arm. He needed to have like 24 stitches. I'm out in the waiting room. They're going to be bringing him to his room in a little bit. I guess he's out of danger, they gave him activated charcoal to counteract the overdose." He paused. "I am so, so, so sorry, Sherry. I didn't mean to do this."

"Jensen, what do you mean? You didn't mean to do what?"

"I didn't mean for this to happen. I never would have proposed if I knew this was what was going to happen. I had no idea he was this bad. I should have seen it. I should have seen the signs."

"I don't blame you, Jensen. You've done so much for him, but you can't read his mind."

"No. That's an excuse. I should have known. I should have done something else."

"Jensen, please don't beat yourself up about this. I know you've done everything you can to keep things normal for Jared. We all do. This isn't your fault."

"I swear to God, he's going to get counseling. If it's the last thing I have to do. Even if I have to walk away from him for him to get it, he's going to counseling. I swear on my life, Sherry."

"Don't you dare walk away from him. If you walk away from him, it'll kill him for sure. Do whatever you need to do, but don't leave him. He needs you right now."

"I know he does. I'll do whatever it takes to get him better, I swear."

"I trust you, Jensen. I know you love him and will make sure he's safe."

"I'll keep you updated."

"I know you will. Tell him that I love him and want him to get some help."

"I will. He'll be fine. I'm sure of it."

"Take good care of him for me."

"Count on it. Bye, Sherry."

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After spending the night pacing the hall replaying everything in his mind, Jensen stormed into Jared's room. "Why, Jare?" he began not even paying attention to the nurse who was in the room. Jensen stared at him, hurt and anger visible on his face. _Why would you do this to me?_ , he thought. _Wasn't I enough?_

Jared refused to meet Jensen's eyes. "I couldn't be yours anymore, and if I can't be yours, there's…there's just no point."

Jensen closed his eyes, shook his head and took Jared's hand carefully. He leaned down and said, "Jared, you were mine from the moment you told me you love me. You will always be mine, no matter what happens."

Tears began to run down Jared's face. "He took something that belonged only to you."

"That's right, Jared. He _took_. You didn't want this to happen. I don't blame you."

"But I…you know. Reacted."

"It's not your fault."

"Some times I feel like I'll never be clean again. That it won't wash away."

"It's not your fault." Jensen put his hand on Jared's chin and made him look at him. "Jare, please," Jensen implored him. "Please tell me you'll let them schedule an appointment with a counselor for you. Please, Jare. I can't go through this again." His eyes started to tear. "I can't lose you. I'd never make it. Even your mom asked me to ask you to get some help."

Jared broke Jensen's gaze and nodded quickly.

"You don't know how much this means to me. I'll do whatever you need. I'll come with you, if you want." He paused. "I just want you to get better. To care about yourself again so we can work on be together." He raised Jared's hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles. "I love you, babe. So much. Thought I was gonna die when I found you."

Jared knew it wasn't going to help much, but felt like he needed to apologize. "I know this won't mean much, but I'm sorry, Jen. I know I caused you a lot of problems. I'd…," he gulped. "I'd understand if…"

"Jared! Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?" he asked loudly. "Why the hell do you think I'm here? Why the hell would I practically beg you to go to a counselor? Didn't you hear me say I want us to be together?" Jensen had been pacing and didn't realize how angry he sounded. He ran his hand over his face into his hair and sat back down. He could barely look at Jared who was quietly sobbing at the outburst. He put his hand on the back of Jared's neck to try and reassure him, but Jared flinched at the contact. Jensen moved his hand down to Jared's lower arm. "I'm sorry about that. But I'm trying so hard to let you know I love you and I want to be with you, but it just seems like all you want is to rip us apart. Don't. Don't let that happen."

Jared continued to stare at his hands. "You deserve someone so much better than me. Can't even…" He let his voice die.

Jensen made Jared look at him again. "Jare, please don't say that, babe. It's not true. I've got everything I deserve and more. I have you. The man I love more than anything on this earth. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with. My partner. My best friend." He kissed Jared's forehead softly. "That's why I asked you to marry me. To make that promise to you. To promise you my life, no matter what has happened or what will happen." With the next words, Jensen kissed him gently on the lips with each word. "I. Love. You. Jared." Jensen reached into the drawers next to Jared's bed and pulled out a long, thin silver box. "I know you won't wear a ring from me…yet. But will you wear this?" He opened the box to reveal a platinum linked bracelet. "As a reminder that I love you and you're mine?"

Jared stilled for a moment, then nodded his head and held his arm out. Jensen clasped the bracelet around his wrist. Jared looked up at him, eyes glistening. "I love it, Jen. I love you," and kissed him.

It was a start.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jared was released two days later with an appointment to see a woman named Karen for therapy. He wasn't 100% sure about seeing a woman to talk to, but after discussing it with Jensen, decided to go ahead and if it didn't feel like they were connecting, Jared would look for someone new.

Jensen did not go with Jared to the appointments and never asked what they talked about. There were times he was dying to know what was being discussed, but something kept him from asking. His feeling became that if Jared had wanted to talk about his sessions, he'd be there to listen. He even reminded Jared a couple of times that he was there, supporting him and if there was ever anything he wanted to talk about, all's Jared needed to do was say the word. Jared smiled every time Jensen said that, replying that he knew and everything was okay so Jensen believed what Jared said and didn't ask.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

It was a Thursday, and it was a long day for Jensen. Jared had been let go early since he had only a couple of short scenes to finish. It was 8pm before Jensen even thought of leaving the set. He headed home, calling Jared to let him know he was on the way.

He began to panic when he came home and didn't see any lights on in the house. Since the attack, Jared never went anywhere without him and the lights, every one of them, would be on so Jared could be assured he was safe. Jensen entered, turned on the lights, saw the security system disarmed and dropped the food he had gotten on the dining room table. "Jare?" he called out. It was odd - not even the dogs were around. He quickly searched the living room, the dining room and the kitchen. Anxiety growing, he took the stairs two at a time. He went to their office and found nothing. He ran into the bedroom, where Harley and Sadie were lying on the bed. His eyes scanned the room and finally fell on the bedside table's small lamp that was on. In the corner, his back to the wall, Jared sat trying to curl himself into as small a ball as a 6' 5" man could. He was shaking and whimpering, which Jensen initially attributed to the dogs. Carefully, Jensen laid a hand on Jared's shoulder. "Hey, Jare."

Jared jumped at the touch, which Jensen expected. Jared looked up and Jensen saw the terror in his eyes. His own eyes began to glisten with tears of relief.

"Jay?"

No response.

"Jare?" Jensen held out his hand.

Tentatively, Jared took Jensen's hand, and then gripped it hard and let Jensen pull him up to the bed. Jensen's arms immediately wrapped around Jared. Jared sat stiff as a board, not returning Jensen's affection. Jensen pulled Jared as close as possible and kissed the side of his head. Tears leaked out of his eyes as he spoke softly. "So scared, Jare, when I saw all the lights off and found the security system not set. Thought something had happened."

"Th—thou---thought he came back," Jared stuttered.

"Never again, babe. Never gonna let anything happen to you again. You're always safe with me. Remember? He was arrested. He's in jail."

Jared's body began to relax a little.

"Yeah, that's it, babe," he encouraged. "Relax. I've got you." He slowly pulled Jared to lie down on the bed, one arm tightly around Jared's waist, the other softly rubbing his shoulders and back.

"Why, Jens?" Jared asked, almost unable to be heard.

"Why what, babe?"

"Why did this happen to me?"

Jensen wasn't a demonstratively emotional person by nature, but hearing his Jared, so normally secure and happily bubbling over, ask that question with that quiver in his voice almost broke him. Fresh tears sprung to his eyes, upset that he couldn't answer Jared's question. He kissed Jared's forehead. "I don't know, Jared. I don't know what to say to that." His lips landed on Jared's cheek. "But you're here. You're here and you are loved and you are safe, you will always be safe here, Jare. I promise." He paused. "Look at me, Jared."

Jared turned his head towards Jensen, but did not look up. Jensen took Jared's chin in his hand and made Jared look at him.

"I will always make sure you are safe, no matter what. I will do whatever I need to do." He stroked Jared's back gently. "Trust me, babe."

Jared's chin fell back down to his chest as soon as Jensen let it go. Jensen softly stroked Jared's hair.

"It's gonna be okay, Jare. It's all gonna be okay. I'm going to make sure of it," he whispered. He continued to soothe him until Jared fell asleep.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jensen hadn't meant to fall asleep. He just wanted to be with Jared, comfort him and think.

The next thing Jensen knew, Jared had sat bolt upright, out of his arms and pulled Jensen awake immediately to hear Jared scream. Jensen quickly woke up. "Jared?"

"No, no, no, please god, no!!"

Jensen shook Jared. "Jared, wake up! Wake up, babe! It's just a dream!"

Jared's eyes flew open, looking around, terrified. "Help!" he cried out.

Jensen moved into Jared's sight line, trying to get his attention. After a second to reorient himself, he threw his body on Jensen's, clinging and crying. Jensen's arms held him tight, running one hand through his hair. "Shhh. It's okay, baby. You're safe. I'm here. Shhh. I'm right here, Jare. You're safe." He continued to whisper to him as Jared's shaking slowed and hiccups replaced his sobs until he fell back to sleep.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jared jerked awake from his sleep. He looked behind him, expecting Jensen to be there – he was there when Jared fell asleep. Rubbing his eyes, he took a look at the clock. He had been asleep for three hours. He hadn't meant to sleep that long, it was just…he was so _tired_ these days.

He padded down the staircase to find Jensen relaxing on the couch, glasses slipping slightly down his nose, reading in the soft light from the lamp on the coffee table. Jared stood and looked at Jensen for a few minutes. It had been a long time since he just _looked_ at Jensen. His body was stretched out, the middle of his back resting against the arm of the couch, holding a book in his hand and absent-mindedly pushing his glasses back up. Jensen was dressed only in his sleeping shorts and a white cotton t-shirt, which accentuated his form. It left Jared breathless. Softly, so he didn't frighten Jensen, he said, "You're beautiful."

Jensen raised his chin and looked at Jared with a small smile. "It's been a while since you've said that."

Jared crossed the room and sat next to Jensen. He wrapped his arms around Jensen. "I know," Jared answered. "And I'm sorry."

Jensen kissed him, just a brush of lips over lips. "How long were you watching me?"

"Umm, maybe three or four minutes? I couldn't help but stare."

Jensen blushed under Jared's attention.

"Jensen, can we talk?"

Jensen sat up. "Of course, Jare. What's wrong?"

Jared shook his head. "Nothing's really wrong…well, not with me." Jensen looked puzzled. "Jen, would you come to a couple of sessions with Karen?"

The question took Jensen aback a little. "Do you think I need to?" Jared nodded hesitantly. "Why?"

"You're so busy trying to deal with me…I dunno. It feels like you've pulled away a little." Jared's head dropped. "I mean," his voice grew soft, "you've never talked about the ra---," his voice faltered. "The attack. Or…,"

Jensen knew where he was headed. "The night you overdosed?"

Jared nodded. "I know you must be holding some feelings in about it. I know you think I can't handle it…"

"That's not it, Jared. There's nothing to talk about. It's over."

"Jen, I'm worried about you. I really want you to come talk to me with Karen."

"Of course, Jared. I told you, whatever you need."

"What I need right now is for you to do this for me. I need to know that you're okay."

"I'm fine, Jared. Honest."

 _I wish that were true,_ Jared thought to himself.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

On Monday, Jensen met Jared at Karen’s office. They were the only two there and Jared was pacing. Jensen met him with a soft kiss.

“I’m sorry, Jen,” Jared said as he started pacing again. “I’m just nervous. I want everything to go okay.”

Jensen intercepted him again and pulled him into a hug. “Everything’s gonna be fine, Jare.”

Jared rested his forehead against Jensen’s. “Thank you for coming with me,” Jared said softly.

“If it’s important to you, especially regarding this, then it’s important to me.” He looked into Jared’s eyes. “I love you, Jared. And I’d do anything for you. Always remember that.”

Jared smiled a little and nodded. “Love you too, Jen.”

Karen’s office door opened and she stepped out to greet them with a smile. “Jared, Jensen, come on in.” They followed behind her. Jensen looked around for a minute to try and figure out where he should sit – he didn’t want to crowd Jared, but he didn’t want to be too far away, either. He sat down on a chair that was next to the couch, and Jared sat in the seat closest to Jensen.

“How’re you doing, Jared?”

He looked at Jensen, then at Karen. “I think I’m doing okay. A little nervous, but okay.”

“Why are you nervous?”

“’Cause Jen’s here. I know…I know it was my idea, but now…well, I guess it’s normal, right?”

Karen nodded. “So, why did you ask Jensen to be here?” she prompted.

Jensen could see Jared tense up a little bit. “Whatever you need to say to me, Jensen. It’s okay.” Jared lowered his eyes before speaking again and hesitated. “I know…I know we’re in this together. But I know you’ve been holding a lot back and I want you not to anymore. Tell me what you’re feeling, Jen. You’ve been so busy taking care of me. Talk to me. Please.”

“Did Karen suggest this?”

Jared nodded. “We’ve been talking a lot about how this affects not only me. And so I figured it was time to find out how it was affecting you.”

“Jare…,”

“Be honest with me, Jen, please. I can hear it. I can take it.”

“It’s safe here, Jensen,” Karen added. “Whatever we need to work through or process, this is the safe place to do it.”

Jensen looked at Karen, then at Jared. "I don't know where to start," he answered. "I'm not mad at you, Jare. Not at all."

"I know. But I know there's more going on."

Jensen sat thinking for a few minutes. "You know what? I take that back. I _am_ mad at you."

Jared looked shocked for a second. "Why?"

"Jared, you tried to kill yourself! You didn't even talk to me about it! If I had decided to stay out there half an hour longer, you'd be dead." A stray tear ran down Jensen's cheek. "How could you do that to me? Lay there in _our_ bed, for me to find. On the night I asked you to be _mine_." Tears began to run more frequently from Jensen's eyes. "Do you have any idea how much that hurt? To think that you thought things were so bad that you couldn't live anymore? Like we had a fight or something? I asked you to _marry_ me, Jare. And your answer was to go into _our_ bedroom, take all your sleeping pills and cut your wrist." Jensen's hands were clenched into tight fists. "God, I hate you for that." Jensen covered his face and cried.

There was silence in the room for several minutes. "Jared," Karen began, "do you have any kind of response?"

Jared shook in the chair. "I…I don't know what to say," Jared said softly.

"Jensen, what do you want from Jared right now? Why did you choose to tell him this?"

Jensen took a couple stuttering breaths. "I can't stop thinking about finding him like that. Every time I walk into our bedroom, especially when he's gone to bed first, I worry that I'm going to be too late this time. That he's decided that's it and done something even worse." Jensen looked up at Jared. "That's why I won't let you be in the bedroom alone for too long. Or anywhere else, for that matter." Jensen made a conscious effort to unclench his fists and his jaw. "I want…," Jensen's voice broke. "I want to never have to worry about finding him like that again. I want a promise that if he's ever feeling like that again, that he'll _talk_ to me." Jensen stopped. "I want to know he still loves me," he said quietly. "I want to know if he can trust me. I want to know I'll never lose him again. Because it wasn't fair that everything that had any meaning in my life was almost taken away from me, without doing anything wrong. It wasn't fair of you to hurt me like that, Jared."

"Jens, I'm…,"

"No," Jensen interrupted. "Don't you dare tell me you're sorry. It doesn't mean anything to me. You never should have done this to me. And sorry's not going to fix it."

Jared looked at Karen then back to Jensen. "If you don't want an apology, what do you want from me?"

Jensen sighed. "I just told you what I want from you. But I don't want you to say any of that if you don't really mean it. I'm serious, Jared. Don't say it just to tell me what you think I want to hear. Can you do that? For me? For us?"

Jared took a deep breath. "Jensen, of course I love you. That has never, ever changed. I trust you with my life." He dropped his head. "I promise you will never have to worry about me hurting myself again. I was having a hard time, and the thought just got to be too much. But now, I've been talking about it here and I have been able to work some stuff out. I can't imagine ever wanting to leave you again, for any reason. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. I wasn’t thinking straight. I know you don't want any apologies, but please, Jensen. Please know I've regretted it from the time I woke up. I'm sorry."

Jensen looked down to try and hide the fact that he was crying.

Jared got up and moved over to Jensen, kneeling in front of him. "Baby, please don't cry." He ran his thumbs over Jensen's cheeks, trying to stop the tracks of tears. "I love you. I'm sorry. I love you. Please don't."

Jensen took a couple of deep breaths and raised his head to look Jared in the eyes. "I love you. Thank you. You have no idea what that means to me."

"Anything for you."

Karen cleared her throat. "That's all the time we have for today. Are you two going to be okay?"

Both men nodded as they continued to look into each other's eyes.

"Thanks, Karen. I think this was good," Jared ended.

"I agree. Jensen, nice to meet you. Jared, next week?"

Jared nodded as he grabbed Jensen's hand. "See you then." They left the office and in the waiting room, Jared kissed Jensen tenderly. "Let's go home."

Jensen just nodded, letting Jared lead the way.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[a few months later…]

They were lying in bed, face to face, like they had become used to. Jensen's hand softly stroked Jared's cheek. "I love you, Jared," then kissed him. "I wish you knew how much I love you."

Jared's hand slid down Jensen's neck, down over his arm to his hand where Jared tangled their fingers together. With a light squeeze, Jared kissed Jensen then looked into his eyes. "Jen, Karen and I have been talking."

"That's good. That's the whole reason you're going to see her."

Jared looked down, and Jensen immediately felt bad for making the joke. He put his hand under Jared's chin and raised his head again. "What have you been talking about?"

"We both think I might be ready."

"Ready for?"

Jared began the kiss chastely then deepened it, his tongue seeking entrance to Jensen's mouth. Jensen let's out a small gasp; it had been a long time since Jared had been aggressive like this. "Jen," his voice faltered a little bit, "Jen, make love to me."

"No, Jared. No. Not until I know you're completely positive."

"I am about as positive as I can be. I want this. I want you again. Show me. Show me what I mean to you." He ran his palms down Jensen's chest, sliding his hands under his shirt and pulling it off. Then Jared took his shirt off. Jensen couldn't help but stare at Jared's torso; this was the first time since the attack that Jared let Jensen see him. Jared's hands tentatively curled around the waistband of Jensen's boxers. "Can I?"

"Yes," Jensen whispered. "God yes, please."

Jared mouthed his way down Jensen's neck to his pecs where he kissed and licked. He bit gently on first one nipple, then the other. He sucked at Jensen's abs, tongue circling around his navel, covered in the cloth by his underwear. His hands slid over Jen's torso, around and down under, hands moving over his ass as he pushed his hands and arms down Jensen's legs, the underwear following. Jared lay back for a moment, just looking at Jensen's body. Jared pulled Jensen on top of him and Jensen shuddered a little when his skin hit Jared's. It had been so long, the sensation so powerful. "Jen, touch me. Please. Let me feel your hands on me. Remind me what it's like."

Jensen started by stroking Jared's face. "Love you so much, Jare." He kissed Jared softly, but with passion. "Before anything, Jared, please," he begged. "Please, promise me that you will let me know if _anything_ doesn't feel right. If _anything_ is uncomfortable. Please, Jare, promise."

"God you are so beautiful," Jared stated. "I promise, Jen. I swear." He touched his forehead to Jensen's. "Please. I need you. I need you to touch me, I need to feel you all over me."

Jensen reverently put his hands on Jared's waist, stroking up and down the sides of his torso. Jared grabbed Jensen's hand and guided it down his body. Jensen reached under Jared's underwear and put his hand gently on his erection. Jared let out a low moan. "Yes, yes. God yes, Jen." Jared closed his eyes as Jensen began to grip him, remembering what he always did to get Jared off. He noticed that Jared's eyes were closed. He kissed Jared and said, "No. Open your eyes, Jared. I want you to know who you're with, that you're here with me. No one else."

Jared stared up into Jensen's eyes. "With you. Love you. Touch me, please."

Jensen's gaze met Jared's. "Are you sure?" he whispered.

Jared reached into the nightstand and grabbed the lube, putting it into Jensen's hand. "Yes," Jared answered.

Jensen took the lube and opened the cap. He coated three fingers, sliding down Jared's body. He reached under and began to just rub his first finger around Jared's small pucker. Jared began to buck upwards just feeling Jensen's touch. Slowly, Jensen breached Jared and began to slowly thrust into Jared. He gave time for Jared to adjust before moving forward with the next two fingers. "How's that, baby?"

"Yes, Jen. Been so long. C'mon, I'm ready."

Jensen held back from asking Jared again if he was sure. Jensen knew Jared would never put himself through something just to make Jensen happy. He slicked up his cock and began to push into Jared, kissing him deeply. He again let Jared relax before he began to move inside Jared, gently setting a rhythm. His eyes met Jared's, watching the expression on his face, wanting to make sure Jared wasn't in any distress. "You doing okay, Jared?"

"Oh, god Jen…harder, please. Want to feel you harder, faster."

Jensen leaned down and kissed Jared then his hands found Jared's hips. He gripped hard, enough to leave bruises tomorrow and picked up his tempo.

"Yeah, that's it, Jen. Like that, fuck, yes," Jared moaned. His hands clenched into Jensen's back, holding him tightly to him. Their mouths were frantic, forceful and passionate.

"So good to be inside you again, Jare. Ohhh, fuck, I've missed you."

Jared bit at Jensen's lower lip. "Jen, Jen, Jen…oh God, Jen, so close."

Jensen's hand moved down and began to stroke Jared's cock in time with his thrusts. "That's it, Jay, come for me, baby, want to see you come for me."

With just a few more strokes, Jared moaned loudly as his orgasm hit him. He tightened around Jensen's cock which sent Jensen over the edge, slamming the last of his climax into Jared.

Jensen collapsed on top of Jared, smearing the come between them without any thought. They lay together, kissing, coming down off their highs. He gently pulled out and got up to their bathroom where he grabbed a wet hand towel to clean both of them off. After throwing the towel near the hamper, they lay facing each other, kissing softly but passionately.

As they lay in each other's arms, Jared looked deep into Jensen's eyes. "Ask me," Jared whispered.

Jensen looked puzzled. "Ask you what?"

Jared grabbed Jensen's hand, kissing each of his knuckles then the back of his hand. "Ask me," Jared repeated.

Jensen continued to stare at him in confusion for a few minutes, until it hit him. He rolled over to his nightstand, opening the drawer and pulling the small box out. Facing Jared again, Jensen began to stroke Jared's cheek. "Jared, I love you more than you will ever know. You are my soulmate. I will never love anyone the way I love you." He paused, trying to blink tears away and opening the box. "Jared, will you marry me?"

"Yes. Yes, I will marry you, Jensen. I love you so much," Jared told him, his eyes glistening as well.

They kissed again, slow, long, lazy kisses. When they pulled apart for air, Jensen took the ring and placed it on Jared's finger.

Jared held his hand out and gazed at it in wonder. He realized that he had almost destroyed this with Jensen. "I am so sorry. I almost lost you. What would I have done?" he whispered.

"No need to apologize, babe. I got it. The important thing is that we're still together. That's all I ever need."

"Me too. Love you."

"Love you too, Jare."

Wrapped up in each other's arms, they drifted peacefully off to sleep.


End file.
